As an ex-Silicon Valley techy, I was alarmed to read– and watch– Sheryl Sandberg’s commencement address last week (5/17/2011) to the Barnard College graduating class of 2011. Her message– that her generation of career-focused women/moms have “blown it,” and it’s up to the next generation to enact change– has left me reeling. She goes on to say that her cohorts– women in the 40s, which includes me– haven’t dreamed big enough, that we “lack ambition.”

“Lack ambition”? These words are infuriating. I graduated from Princeton in 1990– Phi Beta Kappa– and went on to get my Master’s from the University of Virginia. I’ve juggled career and motherhood for 12 years, and hearing someone tell me that I “lack ambition” is out of line, and just plain wrong.

The scarcity of women in positions of leadership has little to do with any inherent “lack of ambition” on the part of women. Women today face innumerable obstacles when they have children– in the workplace, in the home, in their communities and in society. Perhaps we don’t have a fleet of housekeepers, house managers and nannies like Ms. Sandberg has. Perhaps we don’t have grandparents or family nearby to help pick up kids after school and bring them to their games and practices. Perhaps we can’t afford to hire somebody to do so for us. Perhaps we have to do our own laundry. Does that mean that we are less ambitious?

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I opened my morning paper today and saw a headline about Mariah Carey’s bi-coastal baby nurseries, each replete with gold-gilted sconces and 800-thread Egyptian cotton crib sheets.

Lets face it: the “reality” and celeb moms we hear about in the media are far from real.

What may surprise you is that the “ordinary” moms we DON’T hear about in the media aren’t so ordinary, after all. What’s ordinary about Jessica Scott, an officer in the US Army serving a year tour of duty in Iraq, who Skypes her daughter on her 5th birthday to watch her blow out the candles on her cake? What’s ordinary about Katy Read, a journalist-turned-stay-at-home-mom, who lies awake at 3 a.m., agonizing about how she will put her 2 boys through college after a divorce leaves her in dire financial straits? What’s ordinary about Sabrina Parsons, CEO of a software company who watches her toddler (through glass doors) finger-paint the white dining room furniture red as she takes an important conference call– an episode that she refers to as “multi-tasking”?

This Mother’s Day, let’s give a shout out to all the “ordinary” moms out there. While they may not live the lavish and looney lifestyles of the rich and famous, their lives are FAR from boring.

– Samantha Walravens

A military mother serving a year-long tour of duty in Iraq, apart from her 2 little girls…
A stay-at-home mother being forced back to work because of the current economic crisis…
A working mother shopping for dinner at a food bank…
A woman struggling with infertility after putting career before kids for too long….
A mother cursing Heidi Klum for making the rest of us feel bad about ourselves…

What do these women all have in common?

Their stories illustrate the REAL, and often unspoken, challenges facing women today as they attempt to juggle motherhood, career, marriage and more. I want to give a shout-out to my 47 contributors– the 47 women who were brave enough to share some of the most intimate details of their personal lives for my upcoming anthology, Torn: True Stories of Kids, Career & the Conflict of Modern Motherhood (Coffeetown Press, May 2011). Their diverse collection of voices captures where American mothers find themselves today.

Thank you, Mom-writers, for sharing your wit, intelligence and candor. Let’s hope Torn tears it up out there!

One recurring theme of my upcoming book, Torn: True Stories of Kids, Career & Modern Motherhood, is the reality that many women, although they love their children, do not necessarily love the job of motherhood. Let’s face it, it’s not the most glamorous or well-paid job out there.  Even those women who are stay-at-home moms need time for themselves, whether it’s pursuing a vocation or hobby, or working on an entrepreneurial endeavor. Although most of us don’t like to admit it, being with our children 24/7 can be a recipe for a nervous breakdown.

Rahna Reiko Rizzuto made the decision to leave her family– her husband and two young children– when she was offered a 6-month fellowship in Japan to do research for her book, Hiroshima in the Morning. While she is away, Rizzuto sees her marriage begin to crumble as she questions her role as a wife and mother. She discussed her memoir, and her decision to leave her husband and children, in an interview with Meredith Vieira on the Today Show this morning.

Consider this a warning to new mothers: Fourteen years ago, I “opted out” to focus on my family. Now I’m broke.

This is taken from a must-read article on Salon.com. With the recession forcing many stay-at-home moms back to work, one woman questions her decision fourteen years ago to forego career ambitions to stay home and raise her children. Her prediction for future generations of mothers: “the current economic crisis will erode women’s interest in ‘opting out’ to care for children, heightening awareness that giving up financial independence — quitting work altogether or even, as I did, going part-time — leaves one frighteningly vulnerable.”

Great article on Slate.com entitled “Parents Are Junkies.”

A study conduced by Daniel Kahneman, a psychologist, Nobel Laureate, and Professor Emeritus at Princeton University, concluded that spending time with children makes mothers about as happy as vacuuming. The daily work of parenting is a grind, whether it comes with poopy diapers, whiny toddlers or defiant teenagers. So why is it that when parents talk about their little progenies that their faces light up and they recount mostly the happy, silly moments ? According to this article, “Parenting is a series of intensely high highs, followed by long periods of frustration and stress, during which you go to great lengths to find your way back to that sofa and that kiss.” The name for “people who pursue rare moments of bliss at the expense of their wallets and their social and professional relationships”? Addicts.

Spend every moment with your child? Make your own baby food and use cloth diapers? Erica Jong wonders how motherhood became such a prison for modern women. This article in the Wall Street Journal (November 6, 2010) is a must-read!

In 2000, the Center for Work/Life Policy did a series of reports on the “Parent Vote” and found that “50% percent of fathers and 54% of mothers – 52% of all parents – say that being a parent is one of the top two factors they consider when they vote, compared to only 13% who said gender and 6% who said race.”  They found that “issues that could galvanize parents include easing work-family time pressures, stemming the violence threatening their kids, and improving public education.”

In New York, the Working Families Party “fights to hold politicians accountable on the issues working- and middle-class families care about, like good jobs, fair taxes, good schools, reliable public transportation, affordable housing, and universal healthcare.”  Click here to read about some of the key issues that parents may want to consider as they make their final decisions about which candidate to vote for today.